It is difficult to meet parenting obligations after separation or divorce because of the need to coordinate parenting time. Furthermore, it is difficult for children to transition from one household to two. Therefore, clear communication with your children and your co-parent is paramount. Addressing the following will prevent conflict when parenting after separation and divorce:

• • Aspire to be a positive co-parent;
  • Promote your children’s relationships with the other parent;
  • Do not malign the other parent;
  • Do not involve the children in conflict;
  • Respect the other parent’s privacy;
  • Do not raise issues at transition times when children are present;
  • Use relevant and appropriate childrearing practices (e.g. be consistent with regards to routines such as bedtime, napping, dietary restrictions, homework etc.)

In addition, addressing the following will develop a positive parenting experience that will help with the transition following separation or divorce:

Parental Communication

• • What are the rules of engagement for parent’s communication and behaviour in and out of the children’s presence?
  • What are the details regarding the parent’s communication: how, when, where, and frequency.

• • Clearly outline time with each parent;
  • When does parenting time start and stop?
  • What happens to the parenting schedule when a child is ill?
  • Who calls the school when a child is ill?
  • Does the other parent forfeit their time when a child is ill?
  • What is the exact pick-up and drop-off days and times?
  • What are the rules for parental behaviour at transitions (example: no discussion of anything beyond cordial niceties)?
  • Where is the location of transition?
  • Who does the transportation?
  • What are the rules around punctuality?

Changes to Parenting Schedules

• • What are the rules for temporary changes to parenting times and how will it be addressed and resolved in the event of a dispute?
  • How are temporary changes and requests handled?
  • What is the agreed upon response time for change requests?
  • What is the policy regarding “make up” time with the child or children?
  • Is there a right of first refusal? If so, for how long?

Holidays, Special Days, and Vacations

• • Specify holidays details clearly; define the beginning and end, location, transportation, etc.;
  • Agree whether such days take precedence over the usual schedule or not;
  • How do you determine dates for summer vacation?  Who gets first choice? How much notice do you need to give?
  • Is there a rule that a one-week holiday (seven days) must include a weekend? If not, what happens to the usual weekend rotation?
  • Does the statutory holiday add to the seven days to make eight days?
  • What happens to the usual schedule when the holiday ends?
  • Does the usual rotation continue or change?
  • Does one parent get three weekends in row, or do the parents split one week and resume the usual alternation of weekends?
  • What about no-school days?
  • Children’s birthday parties: Who pays? Who attends? How do you divide the gifts?
  • What about family celebrations such as a parent’s birthday, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, other birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, reunions, funerals, and cultural or religious ceremonies?

Children’s Contact with Non-resident Parent

• • Is there unlimited telephone contact between the children and the non-resident parent, or are there rules (example: frequency of calls in a week, time of day, who initiates the call, etc.)?

Extracurricular Activities

• • How do you decide on extracurricular activities?
  • What happens when parents cannot agree on extracurricular activities?
  • Do you only need consent when such activities overlap the other parent’s time?
  • Can both parents (and family members) attend all activities, or only some (example: special final events), or none?
  • What is the involvement of parents as observer, spectator, volunteer, and or coach?

Children’s Clothing and Belongings

• • What are the rules for clothing such as washing, returning, loss, damage, etc.?
  • How do you determine what is a Basic child support expense or an Extra Ordinary child support expense?

Day to Day Decisions

• • Who takes children to routine medical and dental appointments?
  • Can both parents attend such appointments?
  • What, how, and when will child related information be shared?
  • Who is the keeper of the documents i.e. health card, immunization records etc.?
  • Which parent attends parent-teacher conferences and meetings?
  • Which parent accompanies the child or children on field trips?
  • Who is responsible for the children’s haircuts?
  • What about invitation to social events such as birthday parties, sleepovers, and excursions with peers

Major Decisions (Children’s Health/Welfare, Health, Education, and Religion)

• • What is the protocol for deciding on major decisions?
  • How do you exchange the information?
  • What are the details regarding the children’s religious observance, if any (example: attendance at church, Sunday school, rituals, etc.)?

Travel

• • What are the rules regarding response time, number of days notice in advance of travel, who pays, etc.?
  • How do you communicate the itinerary?
  • Who holds the passports?
  • How many phone calls with the non- accompanying parent during travel with a parent?

Residential Moves

• • When do you give notification that you are moving?
  • What are the geographic boundaries, limits, or distance from each co-parent?

Jurisdictional Moves

• • How do you come to agreement? Do you work towards a mutual agreement on your own, or do you litigate and get a court order, or do you use an alternative dispute process such as combined mediation and arbitration for jurisdictional moves?

Change of Name

• • Identify restrictions as per relevant and local law with respect to change of name.

Future Dispute Resolution

• • Identify future dispute resolution mechanism and method;
  • Identify professionals to provide services;
  • Find out how fees will be paid.

By tackling the above, you and your co-parent will have a better understanding of specific areas that will trigger conflict in an already fragmented relationship. It is also provides a framework to build a structured and positive parenting environment after separation or divorce. Your children will have a sense of security because there is structure and routine.

Illuminate the Co-Parenting Mystery 

Be aware of the predicaments you face in co-parenting your children after separation and divorce, and build a plan that emphasizes solutions to those predicaments. If necessary, an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) process, such as mediation, will help you to work together in the best interests of you and the children. ADR is popular because the court system is constrained and because it works.

Alternative Dispute Resolution as a Choice

If your goal is to reach an equitable resolution and cultivate mutual arrangements out of the courtroom, then Alternative Dispute Resolution, such as mediation or arbitration, is a sensible option.  In mediation, the mediator is an impartial party who helps you settle issues that result from the breakdown in your relationship.  Arbitration is employed when there is an impasse. It is less formal than a court lawsuit and uses a neutral arbitrator instead of a judge.  It also grants more discovery than a court and is subject to a limited court review. Arbitrators award damages and relief same as a court. Upon completion of a hearing, the arbitrator makes binding decisions under the Arbitration Act of Alberta.

The key to success when co-parenting after separation or divorce is the willingness to move forward on your issues and avoid an impasse. Don’t dwell on who is right. Instead, focus on what is in the best interest of the children.  Going through separation and divorce is mentally taxing. If you have children, make the effort to find the best way to cooperate when parenting.

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.” Martin Luther King Jr.