Effective communication with your former spouse is the key to effective co-parenting after your divorce is finalized.

Spring weather in Calgary is unpredictable. One day you have to put on sun block, the next day you need to wear a winter jacket. This year, we had surprisingly warm temperatures throughout April and May. This gave Calgarians a head start on spring-cleaning, and a chance to enjoy a longer summer.

With Summer only a few weeks away, is also means another school year is coming to a close. Are you ready?

For those who have children, the end of the school year marks the end of a long routine. It can create stability for a family who has gone through a separation or divorce.

When school ends, some parents will need to transition their children to full time supervision or childcare. If this is the first time transitioning after separating, then it can be a difficult experience filled with intense emotion. Effective communication between you and your former spouse is crucial.

Like Calgary’s weather, communication with your former spouse can be unpredictable. When getting a divorce, communication is civil at the best of times. In some instances, the parties involved get downright uncooperative making it difficult to get things accomplished. Therefore, effective communication with your former spouse is the key to effective co-parenting after your divorce is finalized. Here are some tips to make it happen:

ALWAYS put your children first

Remember your child’s voice counts. Give your children a voice, even though they do no have a choice. Listen to your kids. Their thoughts and feelings are important.

Become a good listener by actively listening to them using techniques such as paraphrasing.

Acknowledge their feelings.

Do not let them hear you fight with your ex-spouse. If you and your ex-spouse are having a difficult time talking and listening to each other, then try to keep the conversation short and to the point of parenting your children.

Establish consistency and clarity

Create a parenting schedule. Prepare a “year at a glance” highlighting your rotation.

Exchange emails weekly to confirm upcoming events. Use email for regular updates and to outline upcoming activities. This will ensure the message between you and your ex-spouse is clear.

Never ask your child to relay messages for you. The message may be misconstrued and your child will be caught in the middle. You do not want your child to be part a potential conflict between you and your ex-spouse.

Speak positive of your co-parent

Parenting in not a popularity contest. Don’t compete with your co-parent. Avoid speaking of the other parent in negative terms. Children love both parents. Negative talk is destructive to you and your children. Be neutral, and speak positively about your co-parent whenever possible.

If communication is difficult with the co-parent, then keep the conversation brief, and address the issue directly. Use a friendly tone, and be firm. This method will help prevent reactive responses.

Compromise and reciprocity – let go of the little things

Save your energy and avoid becoming frustrated. You are not going to make him understand and she will never see it your way. However, you can compromise and find the middle ground on most issues. The key is to minimize major issues and set limits on behaviour so that issues can be resolved. For example, allow your kids to have extra time with the other parent on special occasions. When it is time for your children to see the other parent, have them ready for pick-up. Forward all emails to your ex-spouse concerning your children’s activities. Finally, reassure your children that they will see their other parent.

Although there is no magic formula for ensuring a positive outcome after separating, these tips will lead to effective communication with your former spouse and co-parenting easier to manage after your divorce. Remember, children need to know that their parents love them – not only in words, but also in the actions they take as co-parents.

Enjoy the summer, and make time for your children by establishing a new routine and preparing for the transition now before school is out.

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